Category Archives: Adversity

Confidence or Determination: Which is More Valuable? (Michael Byron Smith)

How do we identify and instill confidence and determination in our children? Author Michael Byron Smith offers insights into positive change. We present, “Confidence or Determination: Which is More Valuable?”

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Confidence or Determination: Which is More Valuable?, Michael Byron SmithIf ever there were two heavyweight fighters in the world of self-development, they would be called CONFIDENCE and DETERMINATION. Looking at these two characteristics as a parent, which would you emphasize for your child?

Certainly, anyone who has both of these characteristics will likely become whatever they choose to be. However, a child may have confidence but not determination, or vice versa. And if only one exists, which would be best to have?

Having confidence will make life and its challenges appear easier to attack, allowing one to charge ahead with little reticence. On the other hand, having determination will give one a voice shouting encouragement in their ear: “Keep going–keep going”!

Of course, we want our children to have both characteristics and to use them wisely. If they have one of these attributes, we concentrate on the other. But getting back to the question, if they are weak in both, which would you choose to emphasize–confidence or determination? Before we choose, let’s consider the traps that exist in both confidence and determination.

The Challenge of Confidence

Confidence can trick you. It can prevent one from preparing properly, or from trying hard enough. Too much confidence can defy your true abilities and displaying it can put off others a bit. Confidence is best worn on the inside showing through, not draped callously upon your personality.

I discuss confidence in my book, The Power of Dadhood:

Self-confidence can be nurtured by introducing your child to challenging experiences, such as hiking the Grand Canyon, cleaning a fish, or joining a drama club. Kids become self-confident when they get over the fear of the unknown, when they overcome an inhibition, and when they accept that they don’t have to be good at everything, because no one has ever been good at everything.

The challenge must not exceed their capacity, or their confidence could diminish. Nor should you mislead them into falsely thinking they’ve achieved a significant success when it was too easily attained. Success does build confidence, but success built on sand will not contribute to your child’s confidence in the long run. Confidence gained by easy victories can be shattered by reality.

It may not be wise to convince your children that they are great artists or athletes if they will be judged more honestly in school or by friends. A more realistic view will not set them up for a fall, a fall from which recovery could be difficult. But, of course, praise any real talent and encourage any talent that shows promise.

Confidence works both from within (how you feel about yourself), and from without (how others see you).

Determination: ‘Intend’ is a stronger word than ‘Can’

Determination is a great characteristic to possess. It can, however, be brutal on your overall happiness. Your determination can make you go off in directions for all the wrong reasons. For example, it’s not good to be determined to get even with someone. Nor is it good to go after a prize or be vindictive just because you want to prove a point. Determinism must have properly chosen goals. While misplaced confidence has the most failures, misplaced determination has the most stress.

The Power of Dadhood, Michael Byron SmithOnce again, from The Power of Dadhood:

Knowing you ‘can’ makes your intentions that much easier, without all the gut-wrenching anxiety. However, many people can, or think they can, but never do. People with a can-do attitude have their wheels greased, but they have no engine if they have no intent. If we Dads and our children have both the engine (intention) and the grease (confidence), we have what we need to move forward. Not only can we get somewhere, but we can get there with little friction.

‘Determination’ is the backbone of persistence. ‘Determination’ can help you to focus and to overcome a lack of confidence.

Which is it?

So, if your child needed both confidence and determination, which would you choose to emphasize? In my experience, if you’re not confident, then at least be determined and confidence will come. If you’re not determined, your confidence is like pajamas—comfortable as you lay around. What saved me was my determination! I was not confident about becoming successful, but I was determined to be so. I was, at the very least, determined to improve my situation in life, that being the only thing about which I was confident.

Although you can nurture a child to have confidence, you can’t let them wallow in it. Again, that’s when having determination can help. Push them when you have to be on task. It’s how the military gets many of their recruits through basic training. That’s how the voice in your ear does its job, telling you to “keep going”! Mantras are voices at work, expressing through repetition what you want to achieve. When a goal is met with your determination, an increase in confidence will follow. You can ask any graduate of basic military training, any mountain climber, or any Olympic athlete.

There is no wrong answer to my question because we will always want to encourage our kids to have determination, and nurture them to have confidence. Vince Lombardi once said, “Confidence is contagious. So is lack of confidence.” Confidence can be with you one day and gone the next, but with determination, one will bridge those gaps. Never stop encouraging or nurturing either characteristic. That’s what makes a mother a mom, and a father a dad!

And someday, you may hear these precious words: “Because of you Dad, I didn’t give up!

Michael Byron Smith is the author of The Power of Dadhood [website] He also hosts the “Helping Fathers to be Dads” blog.

 

Eating and Self-Injury Disorders: Finding the Door to Recovery (Guest: Melissa Groman, LCSW)

BTRadioIntDisorders of eating can affect both young and old. Their self-abusive characteristics are difficult to understand and, at times, can be even more difficult to manage and treat effectively. Melissa Growman, LCSW, shares valuable insights in this interview from some of our most popular programs in the archives. –JDS 

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Eating and Self-injury Disorders: Finding the Door to Recovery, Melissa Groman

Beliefs, and the thoughts they bring on, can either guide a person’s life and keep it on course, or they can erupt into feelings that torment an individual without mercy. When that happens, any behavior that covers and soothes emotional pain and anguish is an option.

Difficult to Address

According to our guest on this program, eating and self-injury disorders are difficult to address because they serve their purpose, at least in the short-term. Like other behaviors that can become addictive, bingeing and starving, or the compulsive cutting of one’s own flesh, provide welcomed distraction and relief from much deeper pain.

These behaviors can become a cycle of self-abuse that occurs in more adolescent girls and young women than you might think. Ultimately, the cycle becomes a trap.

Is there hope for change?

Ambivalence is an Issue

Better is Not So Far Away, Melissa GromanOur guest on this program, Melissa Groman, psychotherapist and specialist in eating and self-injury disorders, suggests that, although recovery from these disorders is possible, ambivalence toward recovery can be a major obstacle. In this program, Melissa will share with us why this is so, what it takes for recovery to become a reality, and what caring parents, other relatives and friends can do to help.

Melissa Growman, LCSW

Melissa’s trademark warmth, sensitivity and profound understanding of human nature permeate her work. She has more than 25 years of experience helping people live healthy, satisfying lives. Although she maintains a busy private practice, Melissa writes regularly for a number of magazines, websites and blogs. This program features her book, Better is Not So Far Away: Decide to Recover from Bingeing, Starving or Cutting. (27:43)

www.melissagroman.com

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A Homeless Clown: The Gift of Receiving (Guest: Dr. James Sutton)

The Changing Behavior Network, Radio-style InterviewThis short program doesn’t feature the typical interview with an author. Instead, Dr. James Sutton, the founder and host of The Changing Behavior Network, turns on the microphone and simply shares his thoughts on giving, receiving, and the importance of youngsters to have a positive and active purpose, especially when idleness can stir up a LOT of trouble. Presented here is “A Homeless Clown: The Gift of Receiving.”

A Valuable Lesson

A Homeless Clown: The Gift of Receiving, The Changing Behavior NetworkListen in as Jim shares a lesson he learned when he was seven or eight, and how, almost five decades later, he experienced that same lesson, a lesson in receiving, being used very effectively. Isn’t there always a place for learning to receive well?

A homeless clown? Yes; it’s sad, but true. But in this case, the clown played an important part in teaching a group of at-risk boys how to receive a less-than-attractive gift.

Dr. James Sutton

Improving a Youngster's Self-Esteem, Dr. James SuttonDr. Sutton is a “mostly retired” child and adolescent psychologist that started off as a Special Education teacher. He has worked with children and adolescents in the school and clinical settings, and has lectured extensively in the US and Canada regarding ways to effectively reach, teach, manage and treat youngsters with emotional and behavioral disabilities.

Dr. Sutton has authored more than a dozen books, including the e-book we are featuring here, Improving a Youngster’s Self-Esteem (revised). (12:23)

Learn More About THIS BOOK

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The Tablecloth: A Story for the Christmas Season

BTLifesMoments
Jim Gentil, my friend in Austin, Texas, published this story about nine years ago in his online newsletter, The Power of Positive Living. It captures the essence of the Christmas season. It was originally written by Howard C. Schade under the title of “The Ivory and Gold Tablecloth.” May this story bless your soul, as it has mine. –JDS

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At Christmas time, men and women everywhere gather in their churches to wonder anew at the greatest miracle the world has ever known. But the story I like best to recall was not a huge miracle — not exactly.

It happened to a pastor who was very young. His church was very old. Once, long ago, it had flourished. Famous men had preached from its pulpit and prayed before its altar. Rich and poor alike had worshipped there and built it beautifully. Now, the good days had passed from the section of town where it stood.

But the pastor and his young wife believed in their run-down-church. They felt that, with hard work and lots of faith they could get it in shape. Together they went to work.

The Storm

stormBut, late in December, a severe story whipped through the river valley; the worst blow fell on the church. A huge chunk of rain-soaked plaster fell out of the inside wall just behind the altar. Sorrowfully the pastor and his wife swept away the mess, but they could not hide the ragged hole.

The pastor looked at it and had to remind himself quickly, “Thy will be done!” But his wife wept, “Christmas is only two days away!”

That afternoon the dispirited couple attended an auction held for the benefit of a youth group. The auctioneer opened a box and shook out of its folds a gloriously beautiful, very ornately sewn, gold and ivory lace tablecloth.

It was a magnificent item, nearly 15 feet long. But it, too, dated from a long vanished era. Who had any use for such a thing today. There were a few half-hearted bids, then the pastor was seized with what he thought was a great idea.

He bid it in for $6.50.

He carried the glorious gold and ivory lace cloth back to the church and very carefully put it up on the wall behind the altar. It completely hid the hole! And the extraordinary beauty of its shimmering handwork cast a fine, holiday glow over the chancel.

It was a great triumph. Happily, he went back to preparing his Christmas sermon.

The Woman in the Cold

busstopJust before noon on the day of Christmas Eve, as the pastor was opening the church, he noticed a woman standing in the cold at the bus stop.

“The bus won’t be here for 40 minutes!” he called, inviting her into the church to get warm.

She told him she had come from the city that morning to be interviewed for a job as governess to the children of one of the wealthy families in town, but she had been turned down. As a Jewish war refugee, her English was imperfect.

The woman sat down in a pew and chafed her hands and rested. After a while, she dropped her head and prayed.

She then looked up and saw the great gold and ivory cloth. She rose suddenly and walked up the steps of the chancel.

She looked a the beautiful tablecloth with with remembering eyes.

“It is Mine!”

The pastor smiled and started to tell her about the storm damage, but she didn’t seem to listen. She took up a fold of the cloth and lovingly rubbed it between her fingers as tears welled in her kind eyes.

But they were happy tears of recognition.

“It is mine!” she said. “It is my banquet cloth!” She lifted up a corner and showed the surprised pastor that there were initials monogrammed on it.

“My husband had the cloth made especially for me in Brussels! There could not be another like it.”

For the next few minutes the woman and the pastor talked excitedly together. She explained that she was Viennese, and that, in being Jews, she and her husband wanted to flee from the Nazis. They were advised to go separately. Her husband put her on a train for Switzerland. They planned that he would join her as soon as he could arrange to ship their household goods across the border.

But she never saw him again. Later, she heard he had died in a concentration camp.

“I have always felt it was my fault to leave without him,” she said. “Perhaps these years of wandering have been my punishment.”

The pastor tried to comfort her and urged her to take the beautiful cloth with her. But she refused saying, “No, no, the cloth has found its way to you. You need it. It has purpose here; I want you to have it. I am happy knowing you have it.”

She gazed lovingly up at the magnificent gold and ivory lace cloth, then quietly went away.

The Repairman

As the church began to fill on Christmas Eve, it was clear that the magnificent cloth was going to be a great success. It has been skillfully designed to look its best by candlelight.

The glorious gold and ivory lace cloth actually glowed in the candlelight. It cast lovely fine designs on the walls and ceilings of the church. Everyone looked around in wonderment, and a tranquil ambiance was cast over all.

After the service, the pastor stood at the doorway. Many people told him the church looked more beautiful than ever before.

chimesFrom the generous donations that were given, a few days later the pastor had the local jeweler, who was also the clock-and-watch repairman, come to repair the church chimes.

The repairman’s gentle middle-aged face drew into a look of great astonishment! As if in a trance, he walked right up to the beautiful cloth and looked upon it intently.

“It is strange,” he said in his soft accent. “Many years ago, my wife, God rest her, and I owned such a cloth. My wife put it on the table (and here he gave a big smile) for holidays and when the Rabbi came to dinner.”

Reunited

The pastor suddenly became very excited. He told the jeweler about the woman who had been in the church to get warm, saw the cloth, and recognized it to be hers.

The startled jeweler clutched the pastor’s arm. “Can it be?” he said, through desperate tears.

Together the two got in touch with the family who had interviewed the woman for the governess position and got her address. Then they both drove to the city.

The jeweler knocked on the heavy, weathered door. As it opened, there stood his beloved wife. The many years of separation were immediately washed away by their blissful tears. They held each other in loving embraces, never to be parted again.

Purpose in the Storm

True love seems to find a way. To all who hear or read this story, the joyful purpose of the storm was to knock a hole in the wall of the church.

So, Dear Ones, the next time something knocks a hole in your dreams or your goals, just remember to have enough faith and enough belief in those dreams and goals to lovingly and creatively hang your own brilliant lace cloth over the temporary mar.

Then watch the miracles come. ###

Getting Out of the Dumpster (Dr. Reggie R. Padin)

The Changing Behavior Network, Radio-style InterviewHave you ever known someone who was so miserable they felt completely powerless to change their circumstances? To them, their job and their life amounted to a dead-end street going nowhere. Change can be difficult, but it is possible. Welcome to “Getting Out of the Dumpster.”

Dr. Reggie Padin, Getting Out of the Dumpster, Reggie PadinLife  Can Be Difficult

Although no one has a corner on the difficulties life can bring, it’s a fact that some never work their way through it, yet others do. What accounts for the difference?

The answer to that question matters because our failures and our successes are not singular events that affect only us. They also affect those that love us and see us as an example of how they should handle the same events and circumstances.

In the real world, the stakes are pretty high, aren’t they? The ability to overcome limitations is a valuable skill.

Getting Out of the Dumpster

Dr. Reggie Padin, our guest on this program, got his wake-up call inside a dumpster, a very real, stinky, smelly garbage dumpster. He not only worked his way out of the dumpster, he continues to guide and help others deal effectively with their own Dumpster Moments.

Getting Out of the Dumpster a True Story of Overcoming LimitationsListen in as Reggie discusses the importance of taking complete responsibility, regardless of circumstances, and how it it so critically important to get into a mindset that will augment, not hinder, progress. And, of course, he will share about the importance of developing and executing a plan with clear goals and the importance of always attending to cherished relationships.

Dr. Reggie Padin

Dr. Reggie Padin is an optimist, visionary, educator, entrepreneur, writer, training and development expert, executive coach, and an ordained minister. His academic credentials include a master’s in divinity, a master’s in business administration and a doctorate in education. His mission is the ongoing inspiration and training of others to come out of their dumpsters. We are featuring his book, Get Out of the Dumpster, A True Story of Overcoming Limitations. (27:40)

www.reggiepadin.com

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NOTE: The complimentary pdf mentioned in this program, “Nine Steps to Changing a Mindset,” was not available when this interview was posted.

A Salute to Courage: Honoring the WWII Generation (Dr. Davis L. Ford)

The Changing Behavior NetworkHere’s a special program honoring all US military veterans on Veterans Day, 2016. Especially honored are the veterans of World War II. The Second World War has always been an interest of mine (I was born during the Battle of the Bulge), so when word of Dr. Ford’s new book came, plans for this interview went into motion. He and I are both veterans; we hope that sense of service comes through in this special tribute. We are proud to present “A Salute to Courage: Honoring the WWII Generation.” –JDS

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Davis L. Ford, A Salute to Courage: Honoring the WWII GenerationMost of us have never known what it feels like to have our personal freedoms put at serious risk. The privileges that come with being an American are, much too often, taken for granted.

The Greatest Generation

But true freedom is NEVER free. More than ever, our children need to understand that. In this program we honor those that journalist Tom Brokaw calls The Greatest Generation: the men and women of the Second World War.

Our tribute here includes those who bravely fought a war in Europe and a war in the Pacific at the same time. They won them both depending on the support of the workers and families that supplied their needs with an industrial output of ships, tanks, planes and weapons that still boggles the mind today.

With passion and courage, everyone had a part to play. They played it as if their very future depended on it … because it did.

But the attack on Pearl Harbor was 75 years ago. Few of the veterans of WWII are with us today. Their children are,  for the most part, retired. Their grandchildren are middle-aged, and their great-grandchildren generally have few memories of being with them. Their lives and their service are preserved in stories, photo albums, picture frames and a few special keepsakes, like an American flag folded three corners.

The Second World War Through Younger and Older Eyes, Davis L Ford

Dr. Davis L. Ford

To help us honor this special group of Americans we have Dr. Davis L. Ford, author of The Second World War Through Younger and Older Eyes: A Personal Journey. His research and his travels to battle scenes in Europe and in the Pacific, as well as his many interviews with veterans that fought in both theaters, come to life in this engaging interview with your host, Dr. James Sutton.

Dr. Ford is a practicing environmental engineer with over 50 years of experience in the field, plus he’s a scholar and Adjunct Professor in the College of Engineering at the University of Texas at Austin. He has lectured internationally and has written extensively on the treatment and preservation of one of our most valuable resources: water. Other books he has written chronicle the lives of soldiers and cowboys. (37:13)

www.davislfordphd.com

 

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Helping Fathers to Be Dads (Michael Byron Smith)

When Michael Byron Smith‘s son was in preschool, he drew a picture of a person with a second, much smaller person in the upper corner of the page. When asked about his drawing, the younger Michael replied, “It’s my dad; he’s thinking of me.” A child’s need for a father that’s present and involved couldn’t be stated any better than that. Welcome to “Helping Fathers to Be Dads.”

Helping Fathers to Be Dads, Michael Byron SmithEvery child needs the security of knowing they are in their father’s thoughts, yet the truth remains that, in too many cases, those needs go unmet. Some experts refer to this sort of unmet needs as Father Hunger. Quality research clearly indicates how the absence and the lack of involvement of fathers with their children comes at a dear cost. Present, involved, loving and nurturing fathers are needed now more than ever. Michael Byron Smith is sharing that message with fathers at every opportunity.

This is Mike Smith’s second interview on The Changing Behavior Network. He’s the author of The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs, and he also hosts a popular blog for fathers, “Helping Fathers to Be Dads.” Catch the interaction in this interview between Mike and host Jim Sutton as they discuss Mike’s experiences of being the oldest of six children raised in a home with no father present. The lack of a father’s support left them in very difficult circumstances.

The Power of Dadhood, Michael Byron SmithListen in also as they discuss their take on how individuals differ in how they handle adversity and how they recognize and take advantage of opportunities when they come. They also discuss how turning points can create permanent changes in the directions of not only one’s life, but in the lives and futures of their loved ones. Mike will also share about the impact of The Power of Dadhood and his blog for fathers.

Michael Byron Smith is a retired Air Force colonel and a former military pilot. He’s also a retired civilian engineer for the US government in the aerospace industry. Mike and his wife, Kathy, live in Missouri and are the proud parents of three children and grandparents of four. (28:50)

www.michaelbyronsmith.com

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BONUS: From his book, The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs, Michael offers “A Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist.” Download it immediately and for free HERE.

 

Comfort in Chaos: Understanding Trauma Brain (Shenandoah Chefalo)

I make no bones about it: As a foster child, I don’t think I was an easy person to get along with. I certainly wasn’t trying to make bonds or connections with those around me. Of course, I knew nothing at the time about trauma brain.

Shenandoah Chefalo, Comfort in Chaos: Understanding Trauma BrainI went into foster care at the age of 13. My life prior to entering the system was one of immense dysfunction; I had practically raised myself. My mom was rarely around, and, when she was, it was usually to tell me that we were moving. We moved over 50 times and I went to more than 35 schools in my life before the age of 13.

Chaos had become my normal.

In learning to “cover” for my mom’s actions, and watching my mom talk her way out of almost any situation, I learned a valuable skill early on: lying. It was a skill that saved me numerous times from severe punishments.

Foster Care and Beyond

I thought foster care would be a positive solution to the life I was living. What I found was more of the same as loneliness, isolation and depression followed me into care. I had become disconnected from my feelings and simply accepted that I was unable to love … and was unlovable. I continued behaviors from the past and found no solace in the families that took me in.

I ultimately aged out of the system at 18 and was turned loose onto the world with no real connections to other people. When I hit the college campus, a feat I wouldn’t learn was remarkable until later, I made a pact with myself to never talk about my past with anyone. I was a good liar, and, because of that skill, I kept that promise to myself for more than 20 years.

Trauma Brain

I spent those years, hiding the past, keeping myself at arms length from any real relationships, and doing the one thing I was knew I was good at: lying. I didn’t know it at the time, but I found myself in what I now refer to as “trauma brain.” I would go to that comfortable place in my mind, a place of Fight, Flight, Freeze or Appease.

For me, there was comfort in chaos. When things in my life were going well, I looked for and caused chaos for myself so I could feel “comfortable.” Of course I  didn’t realize, at least not consciously, that I was doing it until I started to become increasingly unsettled with the life I was living. I had a good job, managed to get married and had a child, but I was only comfortable in the unknown.

I wanted to change.

For most of my life, I chalked up my behavior to the idea that I was just “crazy,” a concept I was comfortable with. I figured it was only a matter of time until I turned into my “crazy” mother. I was working in a law office at this time, and I would watch clients with similar tendencies. I had wondered about their past and when I started to ask, I was surprised by how many of them had been former foster kids, also. I had always assumed there had been very few kids like me. The numbers appearing in my office were off-putting, to say the least.

Garbage Bag Suitcase, Shenandoah ChefaloSelf-help Search

Flash forward. In an effort to find peace in my life, I initially turned to self-help books. I found a little relief, but often found myself going back to old habits. I started to realize that hiding my demons was only making me more depressed and more disconnected.

I tried everything: more books, journaling, yoga, meditation. and hiking. Physical exertion was having an impact, but it only lasted a few hours, then I was back in my mind, returning to old habits.

I finally realized that I had to tell my story. I wrote Garbage Bag Suitcase and began diving into an understanding of trauma and its effects on the brain.

The research began turning me onto new books. Suddenly I understood my “trauma brain” in a whole new way. I wasn’t “crazy;” my brain was just programed to constantly be in Fight, Flight, Freeze, Appease mode, and this knowledge changed everything for me.

Like a Sledding Hill

I recently heard Dr. Cathy Fialon explain trauma brain as a sledding hill. When you go sledding the path becomes worn, so you gain greater speed. The well-worn path is easy and comfortable. However, if you take your sled over a few feet to a part of the hill that hasn’t been used, it becomes more difficult to slide down; you can’t gain momentum and you often start and stop a lot. It takes time, she explained, to break in this new path and make it again enjoyable for sledding.

I understood exactly what she meant. My learned reactions as a child had become the well-worn sledding hill. It was easy for me to go down that road, regardless of the effects. But when I started working on myself (i.e. taking my sled to a new hill) it was difficult. Don’t get me wrong, while I’m still working on breaking in my new path, every once in awhile I like to take a spin on the old one.

That is “trauma brain” retraining ourselves, and oftentimes those we care about, how to break in a new way of thinking. I am thrilled to say I have a new career that allows me to help others recognize their trauma brain and the trauma brain of those around them, and to help themselves and others heal in a brand new way.

After all, we all deserve to try out a new place to sled. ###

 

Speakers Group MemberShenandoah Chefalo is a former foster youth and an advocate. She is the author of the memoir, Garbage Bag Suitcase, and co-founder of Good Harbor Institute, an organization focused on ensuring sustainable, implemented trauma care within organizations and individuals. You can learn more about her and her work at www.garbagebagsuitcase.com or www.goodharborinst.com

 

Helping Kids with Self-Confidence (Guest: Dr. Frank J. Sileo)

BTRadioIntDr. Frank J. Sileo is not only a top psychologist in New Jersey, he has written a number of books for children on topics that affect them. This interview focuses on self-confidence as it pertains to young people. Welcome to an interview with Dr. Sileo entitled, “Helping Kids with Self-Confidence.”

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Helping Kids with Self-Confidence, Frank J. SileoHow Much Do They Need?

How much self-confidence does a child or adolescent need? “Enough to function,”some might say.

But is that really true? Is that all we want for our children, enough self-confidence to function, to barely get by? No, we want more that that for them. We want them to have the ability to handle the challenges of life as they come, without being sidetracked by doubt or feelings of being less than capable.

And we want them to THRIVE, and we want them to encourage others to do the same.

Helping the Child That Struggles

But what about the youngster with poor self-confidence? What are the signs that tell us a child or teen is struggling? What can we do to help this youngster handle daily challenges or unique and new situations more effectively? How do we help him or her interpret a few mistakes as part of learning a new skill, and how do we encourage them not to beat themselves up with negative self-talk?

Don't Put Yourself Down in Circus Town, Frank J. SileoListen in to this excellent program as your host, Dr. James Sutton, interviews prominent child and adolescent psychologist, Dr. Frank J. Sileo, regarding issues of self-confidence in young people. It’s a timely topic, anytime.

Dr. Frank J. Sileo

Dr. Sileo is the founder and director of the Center for Psychological Enhancement in Ridgewood, New Jersey. And, since 2010, he has been consistently recognized as one of New Jersey’s top kid doctors. Dr. Sileo has written numerous articles on a variety of topics related to mental health, and he has also written five children’s picture books (with more on the way). One of them, Sally Sore Loser: A Story About Winning and Losing, was awarded a Gold Medal from the prestigious Moms’ Choice Awards. His latest book, the focus of this program, is Don’t Put Yourself Down in Circus Town: A Story About Self-Confidence. (27:41)

www.drfranksileo.com

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5 Decluttering Myths Debunked (Alison Kero)

Our children are watching us … always. It’s not healthy when we hold onto things that clutter or physical and emotional space. It can affect how we function and the examples we set for our loved ones. Decluttering and organization expert, Alison Kero, has some great ideas here that can move us in a much better direction, a direction we want our kids to follow. We present, “5 Decluttering Myths Debunked.”

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Alison Kero, 5 Decluttering Myths DebunkedI’ve heard it all before; there are so many reasons people feel like they’ll never get organized. Too much stuff, too little time, no energy; the list goes on and on. These are false beliefs. Once we allow ourselves to think about decluttering and organizing as an exercise toward healthier habits, rather than as a difficult project, we can take some positive steps towards enjoying happier, healthier, more productive lives for ourselves and our families.

Here’s a list of my five favorite decluttering myths, along with reasons why they aren’t true.

Myth #1: “It’s Going to Be Hard”

Organizing does involve some light manual labor, so those with certain physical challenges may find it a bit more difficult, but really organizing is more of a mental challenge for most. Being open to recognizing the various emotions that your belongings have gathered with them along their journey with you can be difficult for many people.

There can be a collection of fear, guilt, shame and apathy associated with clutter; it’s often a challenge to face those emotions head-on. The great news is that these emotions are attached to inanimate objects! These things can’t get angry or sad at your expense.

They can’t judge you, either. You, however, can let those useless and damaging emotions go by simply taking them out of your house and over to the donation center, recycling center or dump. Think of it as your own personal therapy session and trust that you can’t do it wrong and you can always go back and make improvements as you see fit.

Myth #2:  “I Don’t Know How”

Organizing is about making decisions. What I love about decluttering is that the process lets you learn and practice making good decisions for yourself.

Personally, I find it’s actually the safest environment to do so. You get to be in control regarding how you want your home to look.  Best of all, there can be no wrong decisions.

Whatever you choose will be exactly right, no matter what. It’s just about what you like and need for yourself in your home, and, with some practice, it does become much easier – fun even, because you’re learning how to empower yourself and learning what you like in the process.

Myth #3: “I Don’t Know WHERE to Begin”

Conquering Emotional Clutter, Alison Kero, ACK Organizing. Clearing Out the ClutterOverwhelm is the quickest way to stop a healthy habit. In organizing there will be moments where you do feel overwhelmed, but it’s okay. It’s about making one choice at a time, then taking one step at a time to help you take action versus giving in to overwhelm and stopping altogether.

When you view your clutter as a whole or your home as one entire project, it may seem extremely challenging to even think about decluttering. However, when you start to break the project down into smaller, more manageable steps, it becomes doable, maybe even kind of easy.

So, to start decluttering your house, pick one room to start and pick one category within that room. If you choose your bedroom, start with your wardrobe. Then pick one category within clothing, like jeans. Place all your jeans together and then, one-by-one, go through them, making a decision on each pair as to whether or not to keep them. Trust your instincts and know that the more often you go through your items, the easier it will become to make the right decisions for just about everything in your life.

Myth #4: “I Don’t Have the Time (or the Energy)”

Trust me, if you are low on time and/or energy, you NEED to declutter. This is how you will get more time and energy because you will be letting go of old emotions as well as physical and spiritual clutter. This is an easy way to do a body/mind/spirit cleanse without having to consume or buy anything weird.

The less clutter you have, the less time you’ll spend looking for lost items. You’ll also save mental and physical energy because you’re not wandering around looking for lost items.

Myth #5: “It Never Stays That Way for Long”

The day after you first learned to walk, did anyone expect you to know how to run a marathon? No, right? Why would you then expect that for yourself?

Creating positive change takes a little time. No one does it perfectly right away. It’s about making small decisions that, over time, lead to amazing changes in your life. It’s a process, and you can keep decluttering as you go throughout your entire life, and you can do it as you see fit. There’s no wrong or right way, it’s just about wanting to surround yourself with meaningful people, places and things for a happier, healthier, more productive life.

Since positive change doesn’t always happen overnight, it’s important to get used to the process in your own time. By letting go of fear, judgment and what you think the outcome “should” look like, you’ll help yourself overcome obstacles and create the changes more quickly.

Allow the process to come as you’re ready for it, and remember: It’s about making one, small, self love-based decision at a time to create the changes you want to see in your life and in the lives of your loved ones. ###

 

Speakers Group MemberLong before decluttering expert, writer and speaker, Alison Kero, started her first organizing business in 2004, she searched for ways to make her own life easier. Since implementing her new decluttering system, Alison has found she now enjoys increased energy, improved productivity and overall greater contentment. She truly enjoys teaching this easy, effective system to her clients through her company, ACK Organizing. To reach Alison, go to http://www.ackorganizing.com.