Category Archives: Bereavement and Grief

From Incorrigible to Incredible: What Toby Taught Us, Part 2 (Guest: Charmaine Hammond)

  • URadio-style Interview, The Changing Behavior NetworkAnimals sometimes can teach us much about acceptance, compassion and healing. Toby did just that, as shared here by his owner, author Charmaine Hammond.
This interview comes from the very early archives of The Changing Behavior Network. This is part two of a two-part program.

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From Incorrigible to Incrtedible: What Toby Taught Us, Charmaine HammondWhen Charmaine Hammond and her husband, Chris, adopted a five-year-old Chesapeake Bay retriever named Toby, little did they know what the next few years held in store.

Therapy Dog

Charmaine and Chris were tempted to give up on the big dog, but they didn’t. In return, Toby became an award-winning pet-assisted therapy dog and, in his brief lifetime, achieved Chicken Soup fame and left an indelible paw print in the hearts of all those he touched.

This is a story of love, patience, dedication and faithfulness. It shows us, once again, what can be accomplished when we accept others unconditionally.

Charmaine Hammond

Charmaine is a professional speaker and seminar leader from theOn Toby's Terms, Charmaine Hammond Edmonton area of Alberta. She travels the US and Canada speaking on topics of communication and team building to corporate audiences. But Charmaine continues to promote the values of kindness and caring to Toby’s favorite audience: school children. (17:54)

For more information about A Million Acts of Kindness: Toby’s Global Mission, the movie currently being made on Toby’s life and story, Charmaine’s work as a speaker/trainer, or her heartwarming bestseller, On Toby’s Terms, go to this website:

www.OnTobysTerms.com

TO LISTEN, use the player below or left-click the link. To access the file right-click and “Save Target as …” to save to your audio device), CLICK HERE FOR LINK


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From Incorrigible to Incredible: What Toby Taught Us, Part 1 (Guest: Charmaine Hammond)

Radio-style Interview, The Changing Behavior NetworkAnimals sometimes can teach us much about acceptance, compassion and healing. Toby did just that, as shared here by his owner, author Charmaine Hammond.
This interview comes from the very early archives of The Changing Behavior Network. This is part one of a two-part program.

………………..

From Incorrigible to Incrtedible: What Toby Taught Us, Charmaine HammondWhen Charmaine Hammond and her husband, Chris, adopted a five-year-old Chesapeake Bay retriever named Toby, little did they know what the next few years held in store.

Therapy Dog

Charmaine and Chris were tempted to give up on the big dog, but they didn’t. In return, Toby became an award-winning pet-assisted therapy dog and, in his brief lifetime, achieved Chicken Soup fame and left an indelible paw print in the hearts of all those he touched.

This is a story of love, patience, dedication and faithfulness. It shows us, once again, what can be accomplished when we accept others unconditionally.

Charmaine Hammond

Charmaine is a professional speaker and seminar leader from theOn Toby's Terms, Charmaine Hammond Edmonton area of Alberta. She travels the US and Canada speaking on topics of communication and team building to corporate audiences. But Charmaine continues to promote the values of kindness and caring to Toby’s favorite audience: school children. (15:32)

For more information about A Million Acts of Kindness: Toby’s Global Mission, the movie currently being made on Toby’s life and story, Charmaine’s work as a speaker/trainer, or her heartwarming bestseller, On Toby’s Terms, go to this website:

www.OnTobysTerms.com

 

TO LISTEN, use the player below or left-click the link. To access the file right-click and “Save Target as …” to save to your audio device), CLICK HERE FOR LINK


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A Salute to Courage: Honoring the WWII Generation (Dr. Davis L. Ford)

The Changing Behavior NetworkHere’s a special program honoring all US military veterans on Veterans Day, 2016. Especially honored are the veterans of World War II. The Second World War has always been an interest of mine (I was born during the Battle of the Bulge), so when word of Dr. Ford’s new book came, plans for this interview went into motion. He and I are both veterans; we hope that sense of service comes through in this special tribute. We are proud to present “A Salute to Courage: Honoring the WWII Generation.” –JDS

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Davis L. Ford, A Salute to Courage: Honoring the WWII GenerationMost of us have never known what it feels like to have our personal freedoms put at serious risk. The privileges that come with being an American are, much too often, taken for granted.

The Greatest Generation

But true freedom is NEVER free. More than ever, our children need to understand that. In this program we honor those that journalist Tom Brokaw calls The Greatest Generation: the men and women of the Second World War.

Our tribute here includes those who bravely fought a war in Europe and a war in the Pacific at the same time. They won them both depending on the support of the workers and families that supplied their needs with an industrial output of ships, tanks, planes and weapons that still boggles the mind today.

With passion and courage, everyone had a part to play. They played it as if their very future depended on it … because it did.

But the attack on Pearl Harbor was 75 years ago. Few of the veterans of WWII are with us today. Their children are,  for the most part, retired. Their grandchildren are middle-aged, and their great-grandchildren generally have few memories of being with them. Their lives and their service are preserved in stories, photo albums, picture frames and a few special keepsakes, like an American flag folded three corners.

The Second World War Through Younger and Older Eyes, Davis L Ford

Dr. Davis L. Ford

To help us honor this special group of Americans we have Dr. Davis L. Ford, author of The Second World War Through Younger and Older Eyes: A Personal Journey. His research and his travels to battle scenes in Europe and in the Pacific, as well as his many interviews with veterans that fought in both theaters, come to life in this engaging interview with your host, Dr. James Sutton.

Dr. Ford is a practicing environmental engineer with over 50 years of experience in the field, plus he’s a scholar and Adjunct Professor in the College of Engineering at the University of Texas at Austin. He has lectured internationally and has written extensively on the treatment and preservation of one of our most valuable resources: water. Other books he has written chronicle the lives of soldiers and cowboys. (37:13)

www.davislfordphd.com

 

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Comfort in Chaos: Understanding Trauma Brain (Shenandoah Chefalo)

I make no bones about it: As a foster child, I don’t think I was an easy person to get along with. I certainly wasn’t trying to make bonds or connections with those around me. Of course, I knew nothing at the time about trauma brain.

Shenandoah Chefalo, Comfort in Chaos: Understanding Trauma BrainI went into foster care at the age of 13. My life prior to entering the system was one of immense dysfunction; I had practically raised myself. My mom was rarely around, and, when she was, it was usually to tell me that we were moving. We moved over 50 times and I went to more than 35 schools in my life before the age of 13.

Chaos had become my normal.

In learning to “cover” for my mom’s actions, and watching my mom talk her way out of almost any situation, I learned a valuable skill early on: lying. It was a skill that saved me numerous times from severe punishments.

Foster Care and Beyond

I thought foster care would be a positive solution to the life I was living. What I found was more of the same as loneliness, isolation and depression followed me into care. I had become disconnected from my feelings and simply accepted that I was unable to love … and was unlovable. I continued behaviors from the past and found no solace in the families that took me in.

I ultimately aged out of the system at 18 and was turned loose onto the world with no real connections to other people. When I hit the college campus, a feat I wouldn’t learn was remarkable until later, I made a pact with myself to never talk about my past with anyone. I was a good liar, and, because of that skill, I kept that promise to myself for more than 20 years.

Trauma Brain

I spent those years, hiding the past, keeping myself at arms length from any real relationships, and doing the one thing I was knew I was good at: lying. I didn’t know it at the time, but I found myself in what I now refer to as “trauma brain.” I would go to that comfortable place in my mind, a place of Fight, Flight, Freeze or Appease.

For me, there was comfort in chaos. When things in my life were going well, I looked for and caused chaos for myself so I could feel “comfortable.” Of course I  didn’t realize, at least not consciously, that I was doing it until I started to become increasingly unsettled with the life I was living. I had a good job, managed to get married and had a child, but I was only comfortable in the unknown.

I wanted to change.

For most of my life, I chalked up my behavior to the idea that I was just “crazy,” a concept I was comfortable with. I figured it was only a matter of time until I turned into my “crazy” mother. I was working in a law office at this time, and I would watch clients with similar tendencies. I had wondered about their past and when I started to ask, I was surprised by how many of them had been former foster kids, also. I had always assumed there had been very few kids like me. The numbers appearing in my office were off-putting, to say the least.

Garbage Bag Suitcase, Shenandoah ChefaloSelf-help Search

Flash forward. In an effort to find peace in my life, I initially turned to self-help books. I found a little relief, but often found myself going back to old habits. I started to realize that hiding my demons was only making me more depressed and more disconnected.

I tried everything: more books, journaling, yoga, meditation. and hiking. Physical exertion was having an impact, but it only lasted a few hours, then I was back in my mind, returning to old habits.

I finally realized that I had to tell my story. I wrote Garbage Bag Suitcase and began diving into an understanding of trauma and its effects on the brain.

The research began turning me onto new books. Suddenly I understood my “trauma brain” in a whole new way. I wasn’t “crazy;” my brain was just programed to constantly be in Fight, Flight, Freeze, Appease mode, and this knowledge changed everything for me.

Like a Sledding Hill

I recently heard Dr. Cathy Fialon explain trauma brain as a sledding hill. When you go sledding the path becomes worn, so you gain greater speed. The well-worn path is easy and comfortable. However, if you take your sled over a few feet to a part of the hill that hasn’t been used, it becomes more difficult to slide down; you can’t gain momentum and you often start and stop a lot. It takes time, she explained, to break in this new path and make it again enjoyable for sledding.

I understood exactly what she meant. My learned reactions as a child had become the well-worn sledding hill. It was easy for me to go down that road, regardless of the effects. But when I started working on myself (i.e. taking my sled to a new hill) it was difficult. Don’t get me wrong, while I’m still working on breaking in my new path, every once in awhile I like to take a spin on the old one.

That is “trauma brain” retraining ourselves, and oftentimes those we care about, how to break in a new way of thinking. I am thrilled to say I have a new career that allows me to help others recognize their trauma brain and the trauma brain of those around them, and to help themselves and others heal in a brand new way.

After all, we all deserve to try out a new place to sled. ###

 

Speakers Group MemberShenandoah Chefalo is a former foster youth and an advocate. She is the author of the memoir, Garbage Bag Suitcase, and co-founder of Good Harbor Institute, an organization focused on ensuring sustainable, implemented trauma care within organizations and individuals. You can learn more about her and her work at www.garbagebagsuitcase.com or www.goodharborinst.com

 

When the Brain Lags the Heart (Michael Byron Smith)

What happens when our need to love and be loved clouds what we KNOW to be true? Michael Byron Smith, author of The Power of Dadhood, offers some personal insight with this piece entitled, “When the Brain Lags the Heart.”

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Michael Byron Smith, The Power of DadhoodThe heart is very loyal. It is faithful to which it loves even when all evidence appears to  indicate it is useless to remain so. This allows us to have hope and patience for the people we hold dear. It also gives those we love time to turn themselves around when they may have been failing us.

A Personal Story

This is a personal story which I am sharing only to help families that may be in a similar situation. Most who read this will hopefully not relate directly, but perhaps you can share it with someone who does.

I loved my dad. He was so interesting and mysterious. He did things I wanted to do. He had been to places I wanted to see. Stories of his travels had me breathlessly spellbound. I longed for his attention and waited for him to come home – sometimes for hours, sometimes for months, even years.

He was a contradiction in himself. My dad was slight in build but had very strong hands. He was a real gentleman, charismatic, very intelligent, and well-liked by most people. There was just one huge problem: My dad was a raging alcoholic.

Some dads are ‘stealthy’ alcoholics that can still function in a somewhat reasonable manner. Not my dad. When he drank, he became an entirely different person from the gentleman I just described. His language became crude and his actions were awkward, then catatonic. His charming persona became slovenly and indecent, a dreadful person to be around. These are difficult things to say about my father, but they are true. With all that, I still rooted for him whenever I could!

An Unearned Title

when the brain lags the heartWhen I think of “Speedo” (his nickname), I think of him as “Dad,” but he never earned that title. He was our biological father, but an appalling example of a husband or caretaker. A lone wolf by nature, he would often disappear for months, going to sea as an able-bodied seaman. (That’s him at sea in the photograph.)

He once told me that, while at sea, he never drank. But as soon as he got to a port, he could not pass up the first bar. He did this knowing he had six children in far-away Missouri that could use his love and support.

He once told my mom, as he walked out of the house going to who knows where, “You take care of them; you’re better at it than me.” “Them” were my three brothers, two sisters, and me! He was irresponsible and unapologetic. Our family could never count on him for anything. The funny thing is, on the occasions when he did provide for us, we were thankful to him. I guess it was because it was so unexpected and rare.

My Chance to Be Supportive

When I was in my early teens, there was a conflict between my mom and dad; they were divorced by this time. Of course, this wasn’t unusual and the circumstances aren’t important. What was unusual is that I saw this incident as a chance to support my father. He was not drinking during this time and could win anyone over with his sober charm. I wanted him to be the virtuous one for once. Never was I against my mother, just longing to support my dad. However, I felt very guilty for rooting for my dad over my mom, who had always been there for us.

The Power of Dadhood, Michael Byron SmithWhat I did was not so unusual. In supporting my dad, despite all the wrong he had done, I was putting my heart before my brain. It happens to all of us at one time or another. I see nothing wrong with it until it starts hurting you and/or others. That’s when your brain must catch up. My dad was never able to beat his alcoholism nor do right by his family, but I gave him every chance.

I’m glad I did because it might have worked. I stopped, however, when I became a man with my own responsibilities. I then confessed (to myself) what I really already knew: He would never change. I couldn’t let him affect my life or my own family’s lives any longer.

He passed away in 1996 of liver disease. Ironically, I was on the Pacific Ocean at the time, on the stern of the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln on a dark night, looking at a million stars and thinking about my dad.  A seaman walked up to me and said I had a message in the radio room. This only happens at sea when something bad happens. When I got to the radio room, my wife was on the phone. She told me he had passed away. I became very emotional; I had just lost my father, but it could have been my wife or one of my kids. Sadness and relief came at the same time!

When the Brain Lags the Heart

If you have a spouse or a parent that is failing your family, don’t let your brain get too far behind your heart. You will have to let them know that you need their love and support. Let them know how important they are to you and ask them to change their ways. It might be  a long shot, but it’s well worth a try.

If you are a father (or mother) who is failing his family in some manner, yet you still are adored by your children, don’t think your inattentiveness or failures won’t come back to you somehow, someway. I know my dad suffered from great guilt; he told me so. But that only gave him another excuse to drink.

Get professional help, if you need it, before you lose the closeness, love, or support of your family. Take advantage of the time your loved ones’ hearts are giving you, and turn yourself around. If you don’t, their brains will catch up some day, and then it will be too late. ###

Speakers Group MemberMichael Byron Smith is the author of The Power of Dadhood [website] He also hosts the “Helping Fathers to be Dads” blog

 

Compassion Fatigue: Caring for the Caregiver (Loren Gelberg-Goff)

BTRadioIntThis program, taken from our archives, addresses a concern among all types of caregivers. Dr. Sutton, host of The Changing Behavior Network, interviews Loren Gelberg-Goff on this very important topic of compassion fatigue.

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A Good Quality, But …

Compassion is a good quality for any person to have. But too much compassion for too long can cause one to become dejected and weary. It can even make folks sick as it takes a toll on persons of high purpose and intent.

Compassion Fatigue

Loren Gelberg-Goff, Compassion FatigueWhen a person is a caregiver of others, either as a family member or as a profession, there will always be a risk for compassion fatigue. It’s a condition affecting good people, and, when children and grandchildren are in the home, how we deal with it is on display. How do we recognize the symptoms of compassion fatigue, and how is it managed and treated, or, if possible, avoided? Our guest on this program, author and psychotherapist Loren Gelberg-Goff, will help us with answers to these very important questions and concerns.

Loren Gelberg-Goff, LCSW

Being Well Within, Loren Gelberg-GoffAs a licensed clinical socialworker, Loren operates a thriving private practice in which she supports and encourages individuals to live their lives authentically empowered and fulfilled. She also provides training and keynotes on related topics of work and family balance, managing anger, dealing with stress, and expressing forgiveness, just to list a few. Loren is the co-author of the book, Being Well Within: From Distressed to De-Stressed. (The other co-author is Carmel-Ann Mania, also a health service professional.) (26:47)

http://www.beingwellwithin.com

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Garbage Bag Suitcase: A Survivor Speaks Out, Part 2 (Guest: Shenandoah Chefalo)

BTRadioInt-300x75-300x75This podcast concludes Dr. Sutton’s interview with Shenandoah
Chefalo, author of Garbage Bag Suitcase: A Memoir. It’s an insightful and inspiring story of one girl’s will to survive and achieve in the face of unbelievable difficulty.

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Shenandoah Chefalo, Garbage Bag Suitcaseunfortunate, but true

There are those youngsters that struggle in school, but not because they cannot do their work. They struggle because of the meals they have missed. They struggle because of their concern for the care of younger siblings still at home, or they worry intensely that, when school is out and they go home, they will be on the street because of unpaid rent.

And then there are those youngsters that are victims of outright child abuse.

These things should not happen, and they certainly should not happen in the United States of America. But they do.

garbage bag suitcase, Shenandoah ChefaloGarbage Bag Suitcase

In this frank and candid two-part interview, guest author, Shenandoah Chefalo, explains why she broke 20 years of silence to share her story of abuse and neglect as a child. She tells how, much too often, her only true friend was a stuffed, cloth bunny and how, with only a five-minute notice, she learned to put all her belongings into a plastic garbage bag as her family left town, again.

400,000+ Foster Kids

Shen shares how going into foster care was not the solution she had hoped for, and how her experiences in the foster care system gave her insight into the changes that need to be made for the sake of over 400,000 boys and girls in foster care on any given day in the United States. Shen knows of what she speaks, and she speaks it very, very well.

Shenandoah Chefalo

Shen is one of only 1% of foster care kids to ever earn a college degree. She and her husband, Gerry, own and operate a successful law practice in Michigan, where she also works with local youth organizations. Life today seems pretty normal for Shen, Gerry and their daughter, Sophia. But, as a survivor, Shen is quick to point out that some hurts don’t go away easily. (27:216)

http://www.garbagebagsuitcase.com

TO LISTEN, use the player below or left-click the link. To access the file right-click and “Save Link as …” to save to your audio device), CLICK HERE FOR LINK


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BONUS: Shen has offered to provide a FREE Skype call for any group (workplaces, book clubs, organizations, church groups, service organizations, etc), sharing her interest in encouraging and supporting young people, especially those in foster care and adoption. Contact her through her website and mention this podcast. [website]

Garbage Bag Suitcase: A Survivor Speaks Out, Part 1 (Guest: Shenandoah Chefalo)

BTRadioInt-300x75-300x75In this radio-style podcast, Dr. Sutton interviews Shenandoah Chefalo about her life and her book, Garbage Bag Suitcase: A Memoir. It’s an insightful and inspiring story of one girl’s will to survive and achieve in the face of unbelievable difficulty.

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Shenandoah Chefalo, Garbage Bag Suitcaseunfortunate, but true

There are those youngsters that struggle in school, but not because they cannot do their work. They struggle because of the meals they have missed. They struggle because of their concern for the care of younger siblings still at home, or they worry intensely that, when school is out and they go home, they will be on the street because of unpaid rent.

And then there are those youngsters that are victims of outright child abuse.

These things should not happen, and they certainly should not happen in the United States of America. But they do.

garbage bag suitcase, Shenandoah ChefaloGarbage Bag Suitcase

In this frank and candid two-part interview, guest author, Shenandoah Chefalo, explains why she broke 20 years of silence to share her story of abuse and neglect as a child. She tells how, much too often, her only true friend was a stuffed, cloth bunny and how, with only a five-minute notice, she learned to put all her belongings into a plastic garbage bag as her family left town, again.

400,000+ Foster Kids

Shen shares how going into foster care was not the solution she had hoped for, and how her experiences in the foster care system gave her insight into the changes that need to be made for the sake of over 400,000 boys and girls in foster care on any given day in the United States. Shen knows of what she speaks, and she speaks it very, very well.

Shenandoah Chefalo

Shen is one of only 1% of foster care kids to ever earn a college degree. She and her husband, Gerry, own and operate a successful law practice in Michigan, where she also works with local youth organizations. Life today seems pretty normal for Shen, Gerry and their daughter, Sophia. But, as a survivor, Shen is quick to point out that some hurts don’t go away easily. (27:25)

http://www.garbagebagsuitcase.com

TO LISTEN, use the player below or left-click the link. To access the file right-click and “Save Link as …” to save to your audio device), CLICK HERE FOR LINK


(START/STOP Audio)

BONUS: Shen has offered to provide a FREE Skype call for any group (workplaces, book clubs, organizations, church groups, service organizations, etc), sharing her interest in encouraging and supporting young people, especially those in foster care and adoption. Contact her through her website and mention this podcast. [website]

“I Want to Die:” Helping the Severely Depressed Youngster (Michael Bushman)

BTRadioInt-300x75-300x75There’s not doubt at all that they youngster who says or thinks, “I want to die,” is struggling with a profoundly serious issue. The severely depressed youngster needs hope, they need help, and they need them quickly.

Mike Bushman, Michael Bushman, Suicide Excape, I want to die, suicidal thoughtSevere depression in our young people is not only a serious concern, they may rarely talk about it, especially to an adult. A sense of hopelessness can cause a youngster to feel that things for them will never be any better, that their circumstances can no longer be tolerated. At that point, even suicide makes sense to them.

So why would they talk about it, especially if their decision is made, or nearly so?

What are these young people experiencing, and why? What are some of the signs that could suggest they are struggling with depression? What can we do to help? How can we offer hope that deeply difficult moments rarely last, and that they are not worth the cost of a life?

Michael Bushman, Suicide Escape, the severely depressed youngster, how to deal with depressionMike Bushman, this program’s guest, has a deeply personal and powerful perspective on severe depression in young people. The insights and interventions he shares can and do make a difference in how to deal with depression.

For 25 years, Mike worked as a congressional aide, lobbyist, press secretary, investor relations executive, corporate and marketing communications leader and global policy head. Then, in 2012, he retired to return to his first passion: writing.

Mike has authored two novels reflecting the future we would face if we as a country continue on our current divisive political path. This newer book, Suicide Escape, is a unique combination of novella and memoir addressing deeply personal stories of teen depression and despair. The book reflects what Mike has learned and what he wishes he knew and understood as a young teen dealing with thoughts of suicide. (27:03)

www.MBushman.com

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Childhood Trauma: Helping Youngsters Recover (Guest: Christy Monson)

BTRadioInt-300x75-300x75This excellent interview with Christy Monson was featured under a slightly different title on April 6, 2014. Unaddressed, the effects of childhood trauma can be substantial. Christy has some great insight on the issues affecting the traumatized child, and how we can help these youngsters recover more quickly and more effectively. -JDS

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Christy Monson, childhood trauma, the traumatized childHow does one explain and process tragedy, trauma and loss to a child? Although youngsters have the ability to handle these circumstances as well as most adults, how we help and support them certainly matters.

In this program, Christy Monson, will share her insights and interventions for recognizing the behaviors and reactions of the tragedy-affected youngster and how we can help the grieving, traumatized and hurting child heal with our love and support. As Christy will explain, our role in helping this child stabilize and recover is a very important one.

Love, Hugs and Hope, When Scary Things Happen, Christy MonsonAn experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Christy built a very successful counseling practice in Nevada and later in Utah. She is the author of Love, Hugs and Hope: When Scary Things Happen. This book for children is the focus of this program.

Christy has authored other books, also, including the soon-to-be released, The Family Council Guidebook: How to Solve Problems and Strengthen Relationships.

www.ChristyMonson.com

TO LISTEN, use the player below or left-click the link. To access the file right-click and “Save Target as …” to save to your audio device), CLICK HERE FOR LINK